Have you ever heard the song by Kate Miller-Heidke called 'Last Day on Earth'? I'll get to why it's important shortly.
I have been in a real internal fight with myself recently. It has been for a few different reasons, triggers that set them off, but for the most part I believe it's because I have been taking lower doses of my medication. I am doing this under the care of my psychiatrist so that I can go onto another medication.
For me, suicidal ideation is a daily battle. It might be intense for a little bit, then I use my coping mechanisms and strategies I have learnt and they pass. Lately however, the ideations have been crippling - to the point where I can't get out of bed, I can't talk to people and at times before one of my education sessions, I felt I couldn't go on stage. I was behind the curtain sobbing like a baby - petrified to talk to anyone.
The past few months I have been in a real struggle, the biggest and most constant fight I have ever been in. That song I mentioned has been playing through my head, literally every morning as soon as I wake up. The chatter and noise starts in my mind and I have genuinely believed this will be my last day on earth. I have to fight the mental pain that wants to take me away.
With the effects of CTE and concussions over the years, there is every chance this illness I go through, these tough times, may get worse. But I am not ready to go out yet. I'm not ready for my life to be over. So I promise I will fight tooth and nail to make sure I am here; especially for my kids and my loved ones. I will stay in this fight!!
Each day that I have this internal battle, it's tough. I want it to go away and sometimes I get to the point where I've had enough. But it's this battle that makes me who I am. That makes me resilient and a fighter.
I have to thank my friends who have been quite persistent in checking in and making sure I am ok lately, as I know I isolate and try do it alone.
During the tough times I know it's beneficial to talk. I know it's beneficial to get the mess out of my body and my mind - even writing it down helps; but it's just so hard.
I can't do it alone. I need my doctor, my friends and my loved ones to stay close - even though I push everyone away, I need them to stay close!! If it were up to me, I would push everyone away - but I know that's not the right thing to do for me to stay well, I know that verbalising the pain helps.
Minute by minute, moment by moment, one day at a time - I promise to stay in this fight.
It may battle me; but it won't beat me
Last Day On Earth - Kate Miller