Can you imagine driving down a highway doing over 100km/h - and having voices and thoughts in your head that are so loud, so deafening, to the point you can't hear the conversation going on around you, the music playing on the radio - you know it's not real, but it doesn't take away the impact it has on you. Screaming at you telling you to jump. Would you get to the point where you open the door and jump????
Fill you in on a secret - that was me 3 nights ago (Sunday) and that's exactly what I was about to do. But I know they aren't real, they aren't reality.
Although forging what outsiders would deem a fairly successful life with sports and other ventures, I am plagued with chronic suicidal thoughts - not that I want my life to end; I have a great life & so much to be thankful for, but end it because that's the only way to make the mental pain go away, when I am in the grip of darkness.
I had not been having these thoughts for about 4 weeks, & since I'd been out bush on cultural obligations. Middle of nowhere, away from the city lights, the noise & demand of what society brings us. When I head bush, it connects me even stronger to the old people, my First Nation cultural ancestors. For almost a month I was rid of the pain and torment of the Depressional demons & suicidal ideation.
You see, I'm diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder, which is an alignment issue with the chemicals in my brain, causing me to have extreme highs & extreme lows. Managing this disease has became easier to me over time, with education on only the brain and what effects it but also myself, on how why & what triggers these episodes.
I am a highly functioning person, living a normal life with Bi Polar disorder, there are many who aren't. I live a normal life, live with purpose, helping people & love my family & friends.
So why now, why come back after I thought I was doing all the right, positive actions to keep them at bay?????
My lesson in all of this is, not to be complacent and let go of the things that keep me well. My cultural values has been the biggest influence in my recovery, and it's not that I let go of my cultural beliefs and practices, I've actually increased certain practices; it is the other values I hold close that I must stay strong and connected to.
Out of every tough situation I take, a lesson out of it & find gratefulness & compassion - everybody acts the way they do for a reason, weather we agree or not I always try to treat with compassion. Gratefulness, always try to find gratefulness in every tough time we have. Always be grateful of the situations, circumstances, & encounters we have as they all play part in our greater journey.
My suicidal ideation is a big part of my life, it may be forever but I'm guessing that's because I had not had it for almost a month, were the reasons I was hit so incredibly hard & realistic 3 nights ago. All I know is that, I'm grateful to be alive every minute of every single day, because it can all be taken away in an instant.
I thought it would be important to share, as from the outside looking in my life may look amazing and great; my post is here to show you it ain't all sunshine & rainbows - but I learn from every thunderstorm in the midst of the hail, lightning, fire & rain.
Yesterday learnt to tell those close, & that gave me the courage to write about it further more.
Each day I am alive, I learn - I'll learn today & everyday & ill continue to improve the person I am!
Today I am back on top, attempting to helping many around the globe stay alive.
It May Battle Me; It Won't Beat Me